To be honest, everything has been a blur aside from breakfast trips with the bestie and the kalat we both share (hahaha, secret nalang) and Koffii.
Ganito pala kapag wala kang drama sa buhay, 'no?
It's not that there are no problems - marami parin naman - but I guess I'm more at peace, more sure of myself lately, more willing to let the noise just be noise and focus on the people and things that truly make me happy and calm.
When I started blogging in 2009, my topics usually revolved around my feelings and events of the day. I recall talking about what I had for lunch, if it was raining or not, plans for the day, and my thoughts at that time. Very personal diary-like. The posts then evolved into articles around certain topics, then reviews (with some sponsored posts), travel write-ups, support articles for my podcast, and then... nothing.
I was faced with the reality of life.
Suddenly, I had a larger responsibility and more things to worry about. I could no longer travel as often as I wanted to, or buy stuff without triple-thinking if it was a need or a want. My desires had to take the back seat in favor of other more pressing matters, like my brother's needs or my dad's business.
It's so difficult to choose between being happy and being responsible.
Sometimes, I just think about all the personal needs I had to push aside because someone else needs me to provide for them.
I can't save up to get my finger checked/operated on, and everyday I let it sit, I feel like my finger's never going to go back to normal. (It got swollen last year and had a minor operation in it and I haven't been able to use it normally or straighten it out.)
I could keep buying healthy food so I get a better figure and be healthier but minsan, gulay and healthier food options are more expensive than canned food. And vitamins? 'Wag na, itulog mo nalang yan or uminom ka n tubig, mawawala nalang yan.
I have physical scars that I'm very ashamed of, that's why I can no longer wear skirts or shorts outside without stockings. They are manifestations of the past stressful years (to the point that I couldn't sleep properly and I had stopped taking care of myself) that I would need a doctor (probably) to fix them.
I have needs for work that I've been putting off since last year because I need to use that money somewhere else, 'cause I'm kind of the only one earning at home and my salary is no longer just mine. Ang dami kong kahati.
I can't even treat myself to spa, lol. Simple things I used to gift myself seem so impossible these days.
You might be thinking, "Wala bang magandang nangyayari sayo?" and to that I say, yes. Of course there are moments here and there where I am truly grateful for where I am and what I'm doing. However, I also can't just pretend I don't go through negative emotions. As much as I laugh and smile, I also feel an immense sense of loneliness and uselessness sometimes.
If you've made it this far, please don't think I'm pathetic. You could tell me to just leave and make my own life, or tell me to just not give my salary so I have savings. Pwede naman talaga.
But that's not me. If people need me, and kaya pa naman, of course I'll be willing, especially if it's my family in need. Hence the cycle.
Parang tanga lang, 'no?
Complaining yet still letting myself be tethered to things that I think are "weighing me down".
Ganon talaga eh. I love how I love. I want to be there for people who need me. At least, I have a sense of being needed, that I exist because I am needed. May purpose kahit papano. It's difficult sometimes - more than I want it to be - but I guess my choices have also led me to this point in time. I have no one else to blame but myself, I guess?
Sorry for the depressing post. This is one of the reasons why I stopped blogging. I only want to impart knowledge and happy vibes online, pero this is the reality. It won't always be happy times. And I'm willing to share the ugly parts of my life too.
Knowing the internet, I probably shouldn't bare it all.
I'll try to write more in the coming year, but again, I won't pressure myself. :) This is part of my healing process in the hopes that my old, bubbly self comes back in full and not think of death at every corner.
Ciao. :)
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