Introspection

Some thoughts are better expressed when answering prompts. Here's my ongoing push to keep posting this year.

Let's go for round 2?

When do I feel most like myself?

I guess one thing that hasn't changed about me is how much I love to sing. Any time I sing along to a song on Spotify or watch a music video I used to love on Youtube, I feel I am truly in my element. 

What does a “good life” mean to me at this stage of my life?

Well this is a tough question. If I had to answer this years ago, I would've automatically said a good life would be a rich life, a life where I didn't have to worry about money (and that's it).

These days, I have a more realistic view of things.

A good life is when stress and (money) no longer control me. I'm not saying there will be zero stress. I just mean that, regardless of the problems, I want to be stable enough in all aspects of my life that it will no longer be an issue.

A good life is being with someone who understands, supports, and loves you completely. :)

A good life is having no family drama. Nobody in the back trying to control your life, speaking ill of you, or trying to pull you down.

What drains me that I keep pretending doesn’t?

I think having to be the breadwinner of the family is taking a lot out of me lately. Years ago, I could save up for gadgets and travels, but now? I have to push those thoughts away if I want to stay sane at home. I know it's part of life, but sometimes I just wish I didn't have to think about bills or rent. Wouldn't it be sooo nice to wake up and not have to do the "responsible" thing?

What boundaries am I ready to honor, even when they disappoint others?

For years, I've had to forget some parts of myself to make a relationship work. I totally turned my life around to accommodate someone and because I had the flexible schedule, I was willing to risk my health and mental to maintain something I thought would last.

These days, I'm more into what matters to me. If I truly don't like something, I speak up. If you rub me the wrong way, I'll interact with you less and less or totally stop speaking with you (regardless of your age or relationship to me). 

I'm tired of showing up for people and being left on my own somewhere when it's my turn to need them. It's probably selfish, I know. But this time around, if I have to disappoint people or look bad in their eyes for the sake of me, I'll let it happen. I know the right people will stay in my life and want to reconnect constantly. I no longer want to beg for anyone's time.

I no longer want to keep pushing for something (and being pushed to do so) or providing things when I'm already in the negative. I'm not a martyr. I never should've been. I've been the bigger person a lot. Ako naman this time.

How do I treat myself when no one is watching?

I've always loved to travel, but with certain limitations at the moment, I just tend to settle down with a movie, with the right company, have some food that feels warm and homey, and relax. 

Being able to feel comfortable at home, sometimes in silence, sometimes listening to ASMR, is a luxury. While everyone has to hustle outside, commute, be subject to pollution and the heat, I am thankful to be able to just stay at home and earn.

Every now and then, I make a purchase that makes me feel really good (like my treadmill or soon, a second monitor). Just a little treat I feel like I deserve to give myself after weeks of work.

What does rest look like for me when I stop romanticizing exhaustion?

Scrolling in bed. Or staying in bed while listening to thunderstorms. Or just being in bed. Rest to me is literally resting. It took me years to admit, but when you're tired mentally, physical exhaustion often accompanies it. 

There was a phase in my life where I saw rest as simply not working. This meant that I considered even traveling outside the city as rest. Or doing the gazillion things on my to-do list. I couldn't stay idle for very long because the monster in my head would say, "You're not being productive right now. That's wrong," and, "Stop being lazy, you won't get anywhere by staying in bed."

I would feel guilty that I was wasting my life on doing nothing. But then my health started deteriorating. I was working US hours and wasn't getting enough sleep. The stress manifested on my body and it took me months to develop a better, proper sleep schedule.

I had to learn the hard way that exhaustion shouldn't be glorified. 

What fears followed me into this year and what are they trying to protect me from?

I feel like I've developed wariness of people. I've never been one to immediately trust others, but the wall is thicker and higher this time around. I've often thought that my feelings are all floating, like they're there, they're real, but I can't latch on totally for fear of being abused or used or worse, left behind and discarded.

Maybe I'm self-sabotaging right now. I could be ruining something amazing that's meant for me but I'm still behind my wall.

It's so difficult to trust things in life nowadays as it seems like everything and everyone has a short attention span. A short period of time where they're interested or engaged. And when the shine is gone, they move on to the next better, prettier thing. 

Being a relationship coach opened me up to so many potential issues in relationships and life itself that I often have to step back and assess if I should even be in a "couple". If I should even be doing this in my life at this point. 

Is it safe?

Again, I could probably just be overthinking things but it is what it is. 

If you've made it this far into the blog, thank you. I appreciate you listening to [reading] my thoughts. 

I promise I'll keep trying to stay away from sad posts or dark things, and I only hope to write about the positives when they happen.

Until then, I hope you stick around.