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| My high school. Used to be yellow/beige. |
Growing up with The Brothers Grimm, R.L. Stine, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens (to name a few), I had come to love storytelling and crafting worlds that make you feel like you're in their world, that their issues and their challenges are yours to help solve.
As a Feature Writer, I was tasked to be creative, pick at my brain, and create articles that piqued the readers' interest 'til the very last word. And I succeeded. I went out to win in competitions (all handwritten too) during high school and for a while, I felt like I knew what I wanted to be once I graduated.
Then life caught up and I stopped.
My mom fell ill and instead of sitting down to journal, I would often look for side jobs instead to add to my salary. I no longer wrote poems or short stories but instead wrote cover letters and emails. Writing became... ordinary. Nothing magical, nothing special.
Sure, I still kept my Hobonichi and I would still write my dailies, but the more I did it, the more energy I needed to be motivated. Until one day, I just gave up.
It was around the same time my mom died.
I would rather play games and be on voice calls with friends than sit down really, and reflect on the day. It used to give me joy to have some "me time", take out my stickers, stamps, washi tapes, pens, and photos and figure out how the page will look. I would rather watch movies one after another instead of writing my own stories onto paper.
I just got fed up, tired of it all. In my head, there really was nothing worth talking about in my life.
I had long stopped blogging too.
Why would I write when one, no one really reads my sh*t and two, I was angry, sad, and depressed. Who would want to read something so dark? It was so difficult to articulate my thoughts when there was so much hurt and anger in my heart.
Now, I finally feel like I want to write again.
What changed, you may ask? I personally think:
- I just don't give a sh*t anymore and have resolved to just puke out all my inner thoughts
- I remembered why I actually started blogging in the first place
- People in my life now are more motivating, more encouraging of what I want to do
- I've got nothing to lose by going back to writing (but so much to gain)
- I want to come back to God (like a prodigal daughter who's had her fill of a broken world)
So here I am, trying to start posting more often. I said I wasn't going to write goals, but I have two things I'd like to accomplish this year:
- Be kinder to myself
- Cook more
For all the years I've spent writing goals/resolutions, I would only accomplish 50% MAX and I just don't like that percentage. I needed simpler goals.
Since I'd like to find my footing in the blogging world again, I've decided to use some prompts to start. Found the questions below from Thee Book Club and I think they're pretty good. Let's have a go.
1. Who am I as this year begins?
Honestly? No clue. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a worn-out-but-clean slate. I like the people and connections in my life at the moment, so I just want to nurture and protect those vines. In terms of me as a person... I feel like anything goes right now. My life could go in any direction at any point, and I just want to be ready for when these changes happen, good or bad.
These days, it sort of feels like I'm going through the motions of life because of all of my responsibilities. I'm quite overwhelmed by a lot of things lately, but because I have needs to consider, I try not to think about them too much, but I can feel it piling up.
I feel like as a person, I'm a bit lost right now. Like, there's a feeling that I'm not at a point where I should be and it's eating at me. I'm the type of person who wants to be prepared so I can adjust, recalibrate for the future, but right now it's all foggy. I don't know what to prepare for. And if I'm being honest with myself, one of the main reasons I adopted Koffii (my 5-month-old puspin) was because I needed something physical I can hold on to that I'm responsible for and would make me feel needed.
I think I need a purpose.
After my mom's passing, my world kind of stopped. I had a purpose back then, and that was a very strong motivator to just keep pushing ahead. But when she died? It was like waking up from a nightmare. I had to face the cold truth that my mom was gone and nothing was ever going to be the same. I suddenly had to take responsibility for a lot of things to fill that void, and I don't think I've been doing a great job (probably a story for another day).
So who am I at the start of 2026? I guess I'm a hollow vessel, a blank, worn-out canvas, a floater. Funny how these very same words could mean something positive from a different perspective but right now, I just see it as it is - old, used, yet still trying to be useful.
What an apt description of me, haha.
2. What parts of last year am I proud of surviving?
Oh, so many. To name a few, a breakup, months of unemployment, a storm, and financial struggles. They say hardships make you stronger but to be frank, I felt like it just drained me. If not for a certain someone, I think I would've gone crazy or just disappeared.So much happened last year that I was scared of. At times, I would lie in bed just thinking of ways to solve my problems. I kept trying to anticipate issues to solve them before they happened. Much good that did me. Life really loves to throw curveballs at you especially if you're already on the ground.
But hey, we survived them all, right? Nandito pa tayo. We're still here.
I'm proud of my mental fortitude, at least. I know others have it worse than me, but I did my best and came out the other side alive. It came at a cost though, this mental power. Now that it's a new year, all the worries I had set aside are dangerously on the brink of resurfacing.
I mentioned before that I'm overwhelmed at the moment, and that's still true. You won't see it when you look or talk to me, but it's there. BOY IS IT THERE. Magaling lang talaga ako magtago. I'm a high-functioning, low-self-esteem, mid person. Haha.
Every single day, I have to fight my brain and my heart.
My heart tells me that everything will be okay, that I have people around me that care for and love me, and will be supportive of me all the way, but my brain... MY STUPID BRAIN just has to counter it all.
My brain constantly tells me that I'm not worth sh*t and I should just give up. It tells me I'm a useless person who couldn't do enough for her family and should just sl*t her wrists because why is she alive anyway when she can't do anything significant to help people she loves?
It gets darker from there, and you get the point.
My heart tries to heal me, but my brain beats me up. So it's a constant cycle of feeling okay then suddenly feeling like sh*t. This has been going on for years, I've tried talking to a psychiatrist and psychologist once or twice but I didn't continue my sessions. My brain won. It told me seeking help was pointless, so why bother?
Love, if you're reading this, please know you've done sooo many amazing things for me and you've helped me out so much, but like I told you before, it's never going to be easy for me to just change how my brain works. This is a battle within myself that I need to face, with you providing comfort and love when I most need it naman. It's just one of those things. Wala eh, nagmahal ka ng mental patient, haha. Please be patient with me. Love you.
To round it up, I really am most proud of my mental fortitude, however broken it may be.
3. What did last year teach me about my limits?
That I'm not a superhuman. I don't have all the answers, I don't have limitless strength, and I cannot solve everything.I had to realize that I can only do so much and needed a break and a rest every now and then too. I think at the start of last year, I was so hyped up to take on, what, 2 to 3 jobs but - as any logical person would've told you - it's damn impossible to do that without getting sick.
Sometimes my brain tells me that I can do it, that I can work 3 jobs and still be able to live normally, eat, and sleep well. Tanga rin ng utak ko 'no? As soon as I figured I couldn't do it with my job type, my brain turned on me again. "You're so weak you can't even sacrifice your health and time to earn more. Pathetic." And that would drag me back into the black fog.
Last year taught me that I need to be more logical. We only have 24 hours in a day, around 16-18 hours of active time if we count in 6-8 hours of sleep, 7 days in a week, one aging body, and a limited bank account. As much as I would like to solve everyone's problems, it's not doable. My hero complex always has issues with that fact.
I'm not some magical unicorn that can help everyone as soon as they have a connection with me. God knows I'd like to be, but that's the reality. I can't. And that bothers me in ways others won't understand. Hindi ako nagbi-bidabida. Hindi ako nagpapapansin.
I really just genuinely want people around me to live their best life, without worry or hardships.
My hero complex isn't a negative thing. To me, it's about being able to give everything someone I love needs and wants without fail. It hurts me when I can't provide for someone or be a good sister or daughter (in my standards). But I realized nakakapagod pala if you have limits. I give so much that I don't have enough left for myself. That's why I had to stop doing things I loved like blogging and writing because I no longer have the capacity to do anything else beyond my responsibilities.
It's not that I don't want to. I just literally can't.
4. What am I carrying into this year on purpose?
By far the hardest prompt on the list. I'm not even sure what to say. I guess, if I had to say something, it would be sheer will. Will to do what? Honestly just the will to be here. To see my brother become a lawyer. To see my dad's business flourish. To see T have an abundant, happy life without pain and have a positive outlook on life.
At least now, my will to exist has extended beyond my brother graduating, haha. Back then I had told myself that I would only stay until my brother got his footing in the world before leaving this earth. I wanted release from the pain. I still do, but people in my life still need me. Until such time that they can go off on their own, I think I need to stay alive, right?
Booooyyyyy that took a darker turn than expected, haha. I didn't know where this post would lead to and what emotions it would bring out, but I'm glad I decided to do this today. If there's any hope of me surviving this year too, I need to take each day one step at a time.
If you've read this far, how would you have answered these prompts? I'd love to hear them and be happy for you. :)
'Til the next one. xo
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