A Fear I Probably Shouldn't Be Writing About

They say that people like me (oldest daughter, Aries, OCD, perfectionist) are always confident in what they do and who they are. Others have always known us to have very little insecurities and fears, but here's the truth: we may have way more fears than most people (more than we want to admit).

Earlier this week, I was in the process of writing a post about how well my cooking path has been since the start of the year and what my January looked like in photos. In the middle of it though, I had the thought that there was something else I wanted to talk about before celebrating those small wins. Hence this post.

You see, I'm very, very insecure. 

If you're observant enough and you know me personally, you would've probably picked up on this way back, during the era that I was learning everything. In my eyes, if I knew everything, even a little bit of everything, I would be interesting enough for people to stay in my life. 

I would study code, writing, art, history, dive into both the mystical and the technological, all in the hopes of being the most interesting person in the room. I mean, I know I'm not pretty, and I know someone else will always be smarter than me, so what was left to do than try to gain more skills and knowledge and be someone people can depend on?

For the longest time, I was operating on the idea that if I stayed relevant with the times, learn skills before it became a necessity, and be the funny, chill friend, people would accept me and my flaws. I guess on the surface, it did work. I made friends, I would get invited to games and calls, and people generally knew me to be fun to be around. 

Then I found hope.

I guess, hope in someone who seems so willing to accept me even if we haven't met in person yet. Someone who enjoys my company, my mood swings (sorry, haha), my humor, my taste in horror and horror podcasts, my cooking journey, my love for watching vlogs... everything. I love how easy it is to hang out and to spend all day just chilling with this person, but there's always that tiny MAJOR issue lingering like a snake at the back of my mind:

Something constantly whispers, "This is all temporary. You're not good enough to be treated like you're precious. You don't deserve this. It would be better if you accepted the fact that no one can love you for your flaws and your looks and your moodiness because you're actually very difficult to love. You deserve to be alone. Always. You should just focus on working more hours, more jobs so you finally serve a purpose. You're NOT worthy. Stop hoping to be accepted. You won't be. They'll soon realize they made a mistake liking you and leave you for someone better. Prettier. Easier to love. This is hopeless."

Every. Single. Day. 

I always do my best to push it back and try not to think about it, but every time I am reminded of it, it just shatters me. I always have a feeling that I can't - SHOULDN'T - get invested or attached to this person because they'll eventually change their mind about me and just leave. 

It's not even about my trust in this person. I trust him a lot but I'm betrayed by my own thoughts. Really? Me? Be loved? Completely? Despite my flaws? It just seems so impossible.

My fear is one of the reasons why I can't bring myself to go to Manila. I'm scared that if we meet, this person will realize that everything I've told him was true: that I don't look great, I have low self-esteem, I have too many flaws, and I'm just not good enough.

I probably shouldn't be writing about this so publicly, but I'm also too shy and embarrassed to admit this directly. I act all confident but I'm really just a broken person. I truly stopped taking care of myself after my mom died so again, my self-esteem is at its lowest.

This is why every time I get a compliment, my instinct is to reject it. 

I'm not all that. 

I know my flaws through and through, and I just can't subject someone else to accept them. Why? NO IDEA. Wouldn't it be so easy if I just asked or pleaded for someone to look through my flaws and see how much I can offer? Like, I do have flaws but I can give everything I have if you accept all of me. But it seems sooooo difficult. I feel like I'll always doubt my value because even I can't accept my flaws sometimes. If I can't, why should I expect others to?

Until now, I am preparing myself for eventual rejection. I take things day by day because at any moment, things could change. The other person might wake up one day and realize holy sh*t I deserve someone better. Or something like that. 

I can plan the future all I want with this person, but the truth still stands. 

"You haven't even met me yet. You can still turn around. You can still take back your promises. And I won't be mad for it. I'll accept it because I didn't even think I deserved it in the first place. It'll hurt, sure. But I will NEVER force anyone to do something they don't want to."

I wish I was born with pretty privilege.

I wish I was born with confidence.

Sometimes, I even wish I was someone else.

My fear seems so shallow compared to what others might have, and I don't mean to invalidate them. Some people fear heights, some people fear bugs, I fear not being enough for people I want to be enough for.

I made a promise that I would write about more positive things, so the cooking update WILL be posted soon. But for now, let me pour out the thoughts I'm too cowardly to admit out loud, through writing.

And if the person I intended this for reads until the end, thank you. I hope you don't hate me for not being able to say this directly to you. After what we've been through individually, I see you as someone precious who doesn't deserve more disappointment in life.