There are two sides to every beginning: hope, and fear.
It's a rare occurrence for me to experience the latter, and I must say, I have never been so scared in my life. Not, it's nothing serious as getting murdered (literally) or dying due to an unknown sickness. This is a matter of the heart. But the heart may ultimately kill me, slowly, but without a doubt.
Mercilessly.
Who knew I'd be in this situation right now? Who knew that when it started three weeks ago, I'd find myself yearning to regret that spark. Oh dear god. That spark. That brief moment when our eyes lingered across each others', and that faintest fire in his eyes that is now a bonfire of reds, oranges, and a tinge of purple. So endearing. So enticing. So human.
When was I caught off-guard?
When?!
The universe is surely playing a prank on me, right? I've long guarded my heart from cute smiles, deep eyes that seem to read my soul, people with direct lines to my funny bone - but what is this mess I'm in right now? What mess am I right now? Pardon the language, but fuck.
There's no way April is going to be this flighty. Hopefully.
It's like being caught in the middle of a storm. Pretty cliché, wouldn't you think? But that is exactly how it feels to be struck suddenly in the most vulnerable areas of yourself. It's chaos. Wind, water, sand, paper, gravel, dirt, tears... it's all in there. Well, maybe not the "tears" part... yet.
Good Lord.
How can one brain process so many emotions? Should emotions go through a process, even?
I don't even know anymore.
If I'm sure about one thing, it's that this is incredibly WRONG. Too wrong that it kind of relieves me. Kind of. He's sparked so many emotions in me during the past 3 weeks that I have not been able to internalize just yet. There we are again with the spark. Damn.
I feel like punching a wall (of flowers and glitter). I'm an old dog that way. How do you get rid of this... this... infatuation? Is it, really?
Ladies and Gents, you are witnessing the scrambled thoughts of an Aries woman, and it's NOT pretty.
What to do? What to do?
Every time he sits near me, I freeze, my heartbeat epileptic. He absent-mindedly touches my hair and I swallow. What is wrong with me? We talk, everything career-related. Then, just when I'm about to relax, he touches my shoulder. This gesture sends me into another black hole. A black hole of regret at ever being responsive to his slightest touch.
I already have a man, goddammit.
I want to tell him to back off, to let me be, to leave me with my thoughts that are already in a blur in my head. I look up at him, and I see his eyes. They're laughing. At me? With me? Does he notice? What do I do?
What do I do?
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I read through this post with the biggest smile on my face just loving hearing the beginnings of how starting to really like someone. I could identify with it so well. And then I understood why you were fighting these feelings and my heart dropped FOR you. I am so sorry. I felt your confusion so much. You are an amazing writer because my heart is torn along with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's weird 'cause I can't really say I'm at a crossroads as I'm past choosing someone else. There's just something about the guy that I find so endearing and raw, and just... awfully nice, you know? I don't know. But thank you for understanding, and for the flattering comment. :)
DeleteFor some reason I didn't find the word love in this post! why! hahaha
ReplyDeleteAh! Hahaha should I have included that, though? hahaha. Thanks for dropping by!
DeleteYou are in a tough situation and when the going gets touch on the emotional side, then I suppose the only thing one can do is to take a step back and work on your emotion. You see, emotion controls our judgement, but the idea is to use more of our brain.
ReplyDeleteAttraction can either grow or subside. Time allows one to think better.
Yes, I have taken a step back and regained control, though not entirely. Thank you for the advice, sir. :) I hope to God this subsides.
DeleteIs this an April fools post? If not, keep control of yourself until you are certain that the spark also affects him. If you are already in a relationship, the best way to get rid of this spark is to tell this to your man- that you want to be faithful to him and you need his help.
ReplyDeleteIt's not weird and I don't think he will get upset. Hmm unless he is immature. But I did ask my wife to help me once bec. I'm beginning to be attracted to another woman (she did not beat me), it made the marriage stronger bec. it's built in trust - Sonnie
I like the way you write, you have an interesting style. And about your situation.. ouch. Very tricky. i don't know what to tell you. Follow your heart but don't forget to consult your mind first. If you have a man but you're in love with another guy, maybe you should break up? I don't know, it's tough, but i believe you'll make the best decision :)
ReplyDeleteWow, This is my first time to visit your page. I love how you have written this post, so poetic. We have all been in this position (well maybe just me), but I was with you on every little thought!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for appreciating! Welcome to my humble little blog. :) Yours is amazing!
DeleteBlogging is the new poetry. I find it wonderful and amazing in many ways.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully written and poetic post. Such raw, rich emotions; I'm sure many people will be able to sympathise with your conflicting desires. Unfortunately, I certainly can.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is to close one chapter before you begin another. Otherwise, enjoy the journey and craziness that is life and keep up the amazing work! :)